Self-Defense
by TheWatchingEye
Summary: Hiccup gives Astrid a few pages out of his personal journal from the time before he met Toothless. He wants to show her something, but when she starts reading all she finds is his suffering and thoughts of killing himself. However there is a sudden change and the idea of ending his torture through suicide soon gets replaced with ending it through murder.
1. Entry - Journal

Hiccup gives Astrid a few pages out of his personal journal from the time before he met Toothless. He wants to show her something, but when she starts reading all she finds is his suffering and thoughts of killing himself. However there is a sudden change and the idea of ending his torture through suicide soon gets replaced with ending it through murder.

 **IMPORTANT FOREWORD**

 **There are stories of Hiccup having suicidal thoughts on this site, because of the bullying he had to endure, but I didn't find one that took the route this one is about to take: Going from suicide to murder. In the end there will neither the one nor the other, because this story is supposed to be able to fit together with the events of HTTYD 1. Well, not completely, because Hiccups' admiration of his peers in the movie doesn't fit with this story.**

 **I was strongly criticized for the way Hiccup and Astrid act in this story, because one of Hiccup's more prominent personality traits is his peaceful nature. How do you make someone like him act in an aggressive manner without creating a completely new character? This question is the challenge that this story had to solve and I think it did. I wrote some kind of making of in chapter 8, because I wanted to give further insight in to why I wrote things the way I did. If you're interested, check it out.**

 **English isn't my native language, which made it pretty difficult for me to write this story. My vocabulary isn't very extensive and therefore my style of writing probably isn't as detailed and doesn't have the variety in wording like the style of a native writer. Furthermore I'm pretty sure I used way too little commas, some of the tenses might be wrong and there will be other things I'm unable to recognize.**

 **Therefore I would like the help of an editor and a** **s long as you can read this paragraph I'm still searching for it. No matter how old this post already is when you read it, I still would gladly accept your help, if you're interested.**

 **I actually don't like to describe violence against a defenseless opponent, therefore I try to make Hiccup's beating up as non-graphic as possible. The worst you'll encounter is a broken rib in chapter 5. Therefore I'll rate this story T. If you think this is to low, please tell me.**

 **The story is tagged as romance for traces of Hiccstrid, but it will be mostly a drama.**

 **At the beginning of each chapter is a short summary. If you don't want to be** **spoiled, just skip it.**

 ** _SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER:_**

 _Hiccup calls Astrid to the forge, where she finds a few pages of his personal journal. She reads the first entry and understand how bad the time before Toothless really was for him._

* * *

 **1\. Entry - Journal**

It was the middle of the night as Astrid quietly made her way to the forge. Originally she had planned to be already asleep at home, but just as she had wanted to lay down on her bed she had found a note on the furs:

"Come to the forge. I have something really important to show you. - Hiccup"

Because of the urgent tone of the message, she had immediately put her armor back on and sneaked out of the house, so her parents wouldn't question where she intended to go at such a late hour. While she walked as fast as possible to the dark smithy she let her mind wander. She had no clue what Hiccup intended to show her, but she hoped it would explain his strange behavior of the last days. Since he killed the Red Death Astrid never felt such a distance between her and Hiccup as during the last week. He had avoided her and all the other teens and nobody of them knew why, but they all wanted it to stop.

The days just wasn't the same without Hiccup especially for Astrid. In the months after the battle at Helheim's Gate a budding relationship developed between them and Astrid would call him her best friend without a second thought. Maybe he was even more. She had kissed him twice and even though they weren't an official couple there was something between them that was much more than a usual friendship. Of course she wouldn't admit this out loud, but that didn't mean she was oblivious to what was obvious: She had feelings for him and they seemed to grew with each day.

That made the past few days even harder. She had wanted to talk to him, but Hiccup was surprisingly good at vanishing and now that she finally seemed to have the chance to pin him down and get a few answers, Astrid didn't hesitate. When she reached the smithy, everything seemed normal. Gobber was long gone and the forge was cold. The shop was closed, like it should be at this time of the night, but a closer look at the door of Hiccup's private chamber showed, that there was light inside the supposedly dark room.

Unfortunately there was no Hiccup when Astrid entered. It took her a moment to realize that the room was unusual tidy. Normally there were papers scattered all over the place, but now the only ones were a small stack on his work desk. On top there was a single note:

"These are sides from my personal journal. They go back to the time before I met Toothless. Maybe it is cowardly to do it this way, but I need to tell you something and I fear that I wouldn't find the right words, if I tried this face to face with you. Please read them all. - Hiccup"

Astrid usually wasn't one for these kind of games, but when she read the word 'journal' she became curious. She looked at the pile of papers, which seemed indeed like they were ripped out of a book. This was the second she realized that she held some of Hiccups most personal thoughts in her hands. Whatever it was, he needed to tell her, she felt it would change something between them. With a slight feeling of nervousness she began reading the first entry.

 _Nine times. Snotlout and the twins already beat me up nine times this month and it's only halfway over. But this isn't new, isn't it? The last three months were the same. I don't even know why I'm still writing about this, after all it seems to be a constant part of my life now. Maybe this is the reason, why I'm still unable to fill this book with something else. How long can you endure something, before it gets unbearable? Most of the time I have problems sleeping because of all the pain and if I do, I have nightmares. Horrible nightmares in which I endure every beating anew. I can't remember the last night I slept through. My bruises don't heal anymore – it is just to little time before the next beating – and by now I even have panic attacks._

 _I wished there would be someone to help me, but there isn't. I tried to speak with my dad about this. Several times. At first he only told me to man up and defend myself. What a great advice! How does he even imagine this? Even if I was as buff as Snotlout, I would never win against him AND the twins. Three against one? Not a chance. Therefore I didn't let it go. I showed dad my wounds every time I got new ones and hoped that he would realize how serious this situation was, but no. His eyes just got this disappointed look they always have when I failed as his son again. No, from my father there is no help to expect._

 _I wished this would've been surprising, but it wasn't. After all I'm just his big disappointment. The scourge of his life. He's ashamed of me and he makes me feel it all the time. Does my father love me? There was a time I thought he would, however now I don't know anymore. Can it be love, when he hurts me almost every day – not with fists but with words and contempt? Can it be love, when he looks away while I'm getting hurt? Can it be love, when he allows you to live in a world, where everyone wants you to just disappear?_

 _I wished I wouldn't be hated by everyone. Even without Snotlout and the twins I get ridiculed all day. Yes, my attempts to help during dragon attacks or make the village life easier usually fail and make them hate me even more, but every time Gobber tells me to keep a low profile he forgets that I was already hated before I tried to appease the village. I'm a chief's son and a Hiccup. That's all it needs to be despised._

 _My life is shit. It always was, but I managed. For 14 years I did. But now? With Snotlout and the twins torturing me every second day? I don't think I can stand it anymore. It has to end – one way or another._

Astrid insides cramped together. All of this wasn't entirely new. She knew about the problems Hiccup had with his father in the past or that the village hadn't been his biggest fan and yes, she even knew about the occasional beating he received from his cousin after one of his failed attempts to kill a dragon, however she had no idea which extend all of this had had. Torture? The word felt like a hit in her stomach. But was he wrong? Wounds that couldn't heal, sleep deprivation through nightmares of pain, terror induced panic attacks. No, he had every right to call it like that.

And everyone had been blind to this? Even Hiccup's own father? She wondered, if being blind was the right expression for what Stoick had done. In his case it seems more like intentional ignorance. How could a father do something like this to his own son? Stoick had always been a proud and successful warrior, who she could look up to, but in this very moment she felt just disdain for him.

However, there was one thought, which plagued her mind the most: Where had she been during Hiccups suffering? Astrid hadn't liked him at that time, but she certainly would've done something, if she would've known about his situation, right? Or had she known? She remembered how often he had flinched, when she came to the forge, like every movement would've hurt him. Astrid recalled a few situations where she had caught a glimpse of his torso, while he had worked, and it had been blue – full of bruises. Oh gods, had she taken part in this? Had she been intentional ignorant like Stoick? Had she helped to torture Hiccup?

No! She hadn't known! She would have done something! She would have! "Why does he show me this?" She asked into the silence of the room. Did he blame her for this? She shook her head. "Hiccup wouldn't do something like this." She said to herself. 'Just continue reading and you will find out.' A voice in her mind told her. Cautiously Astrid took the second page.


	2. Entry - Chief Haggard

**This is the shortest chapter of this fanfiction and it is also vastly different from the rest, because it contains a story in a story.  
**

 ** _SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER_**

 _Hiccup thinks back to a legend one of the elders once told him._

* * *

 **2\. Entry - Chief Haggard**

 _I shouldn't spend to much time alone these days. Otherwise my thoughts tend to become much darker than I want them to be. The bad thing is, I just have nobody to spend time with. Therefore there was no one to stop my musings, when I remembered a story an elder once told me. The legend of chief Haggard the invincible._

 _They say he was born during a battle and therefore the battle was in his blood. The combat was his home, his sword was his wife and death was his brother in arms. Haggard fought his whole life and never spend a single day in peace. However he was such an incredible warrior that, even though his life was nothing more than a long war, he was never wounded. Haggard's enemies became fewer and fewer while he became older with every year that passed and even though he became the most powerful chief in the whole archipelago he realized that he would soon be to feeble to continue his chiefdom. His son would have to take over and fight the foes of their tribe and Haggard would spend the rest of his days in peace till he would die in his bed from old age._

 _Nothing could've been more horrible for him. He was a man who defined himself through bloodshed but soon his body would force him to let go off his sword forever. The worst part of this was, that he wouldn't die on the battlefield, which meant he would never go to Valhalla, even though he was the best fighter the world ever saw. Haggard began to despise his existence. He cursed his life and those he defeated for not being better opponents, for failing to kill him. In the end he decided to take matters in his own hands._

 _He called the chiefs of the 30 most powerful tribes together for a meeting and told them they should come with the three most skilled fighters of their respective village. When the chiefs and their warriors arrived they all wore their best weapons and armors to impress the other chiefs. Haggard however came alone, weaponless and without anything to protect himself. Following the customs they ate together, before speaking about politics. As soon as the meal was finished Haggard stood up and announce he would send his armies to the villages of the gathered chiefs and destroy their tribes, if they wouldn't kill him right now. All 90 men attacked him at once and all Haggard had was the knife, he used during his meal._

 _Haggard the invincible fought like a berserk and continued even after several sword and knifes impaled him. With his last breath he killed the last man and collapsed on the blood soaked floor. When he died his body was broken, but a smile was on his face._

 _Normally I don't care about these kind of stories. If you know one of them, you know them all: Two pieces gore, two pieces death and one piece honor and voila a typical viking story. However this one is different. Haggard basically killed himself. He could've defeated his opponents, if he would've prepared himself, but he rather chose to die._

 _However the elder, who told me the story, spoke of Haggard as a honorable and even brave man, because he saw what he had to do and didn't hesitate. Instead of accepting the impending weakness, the pathetic decay of his body, he fought against it with the only means he had left. After all this was his nature: To never submit to your enemies no matter what._

 _Haggard felt that his life became unbearable for him – for him, the invincible – and decided to end it and if something like this can even happen to a person like him, then maybe it can happen to all of us. Everyone seems to be able to reach a point where he can't continue and maybe the only important question is, where exactly this breaking point is. When does life seem worse than death?_

 _Is my life worse than death?_

 _I really shouldn't be alone these days._

When Astrid lifted her eyes from the page in her hands, an expression of pure horror was etched in her face. "Suicide." She whispered. "Hiccup thought about suicide." No, this couldn't be true. He wouldn't do that. He was Hiccup, Mr. Never-give-up. For years he had tried to prove himself and nobody had been able talk him out of it. No setback had stopped him. He was solid like a rock and stubborn like a yak. He would never think about killing himself. This couldn't be true. Astrid didn't want it to be true.

She winced when suddenly a cold, painful feeling filled her chest as if an ice-chard had pierced through her. Instantly an overwhelming sadness began to flood her body, but she didn't allow it to happen and forced it back down. "Hiccup shows me this for a reason." She said to herself. She didn't know why exactly he gave her these pages, but for whatever he needed her, she would keep going and she would help him. If all of this was the truth, then she would stand by his side and fight with him against the demons around him and inside of him. With new determination she grabbed the next page.

* * *

 _ **The name Haggard comes from the novel/movie "The last unicorn". In this story King Haggard is a villain and he becomes one, because of a special condition which makes him unable to feel happiness. At first this sounds rather stupid, but if you think about it happiness is probably the most important aspect in every human's life. If the best emotion you are able to feel is only neutral, while you still have the whole range of negative emotions, your life will become pretty fast insufferable. King Haggard becomes the antagonist, because he thinks to do a certain evil act (no spoilers) is the only way for him to find some kind of happiness in his life. He becomes a villian, because otherwise life gets unbearable for him.**_


	3. Entry - To become one of 'them'

**_SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER_**

 _Hiccup describes how his feelings about suicide developed over the time. Afterwards he thinks about different ways to end his life.  
_

* * *

 **3\. Entry - To become one of 'them'**

 _Thoughts are very dangerous things._

 _It starts all pretty harmless. You have a very bad week or maybe a very bad month and then you think just for fun, what would happen, if you would decide to make an end to all of it. You follow this train of thought a little while, explore the possibilities in your mind and end your daydream with a shake of your head and the knowledge that you would never do such a thing. After all life has many fun sides too and tomorrow it might be already better._

 _But then the next month arrives and you notice that it is as awful as the last one, maybe even worse. You ask yourself how long it is since the last time you had a good day or felt truly happy. You can't remember it. Without wanting it to happen your mind goes back to what you thought about before and once again you entertain the idea of taking your own life. It's a stupid thought, isn't it? You aren't one of_ them, _one of those people one only ever hears stories about. I mean come on! Would you really want to die? Of course not! Okay, maybe your life is currently pretty difficult but that doesn't mean it will always be like this, right? You just need to keep going and in the end everything will sort itself out._

 _Days grow into weeks, weeks into months and months into years. You wait, you hope, you dream but time goes by and the only thing that changes is your mind. Did you formerly face a bad day with annoyance and frustration your reaction is nowadays much more intense, much more hateful. You hate this day, you hate this week, you hate this month, this year, this life. You hate your life._

 _Nevertheless you try to power through but every time something awful happens it seems to get harder to stand up once again. Does it really make sense to keep trying? If it would be anything else, you would've quit long ago, but how can you quit all this? How can you break out of your situation and be free from all the garbage that keeps you down? You know, you can't take much more, but you're forced to do it, because there just isn't another possibility. Or is there?_

 _What once sounded ridiculous, becomes now more interesting with every tear you hide and every scream you swallow back down. After all it is your life. Who else can make this decision, if not for you? Who can claim that you have no right to feel the way you do, without knowing how it is to live your life? Who can call you a coward, without knowing what you have to endure every day? But you have still doubts. You don't want to kill yourself! You don't want to die! You want just the pain to stop! But one day you finally realize that it will never stop._

 _There is no hope for me and as soon as I realized this truth, my doubts vanished._

What Astrid had tried to deny what was now abundantly clear. Hiccup had wanted to kill himself, but somehow she still couldn't wrap her head around it. Astrid felt like she looked through a window into a foreign world. The mere idea of her best friend thinking about taking his own life seemed as insane as the thought that the sun would suddenly vanish out of the sky. However the Hiccup she was reading about wasn't her friend, because this one hasn't any. He was a lonely boy, who was despised by those around him, which also included herself. Maybe this was the reason why she had such difficulties to understand what she had read, because she had never known this Hiccup. He was a stranger to her.

 _Now to the fun point of tonight's entry: How do I want to die?_

 _Tricky question. Painless would be nice. This excludes some of the typical viking deaths like the dragon induced ones. You know, being burned, eaten or both. I can also do without dying because of all that stuff I work in the forge with. Axes, swords and maces just don't do gentle. We're vikings after all. Everything we use has to make at least a little pain otherwise it wouldn't be fun._

 _Maybe poison? Back when Fishlegs and I still spend time together, he gave me a book about the effects of different herbs. With this I certainly know enough to mix something deadly, but the problem is, that it isn't fast enough. Sure, I can make a potion which puts me to sleep and after a few hours of painless slumber the poison did its thing and everything is over. However what happens, if someone finds me? Gothi might be able to save me and what then? Hiccup the useless – to useless to kill himself. No, absolutely not._

 _Hanging drops out to. I don't think anyone knows besides my dad and Gobber, but I was once almost strangled to death, while I accompanied my father to the Bog-Burglars. During our visits some other tribes were present too and a few thugs attacked the chieftess' daughter Camicazi. Even at that time she was a great fighter but even the best can only fight so many attackers and without me jumping on the back of a man, who tried to kill her from behind, she wouldn't had survived._

 _Her mother called it brave, she called it stupid, but for me it was mostly painful, because the moment the thug got a hold on me, he brought his hands around my neck and tried to squeeze every bit air out of me. It was an experience I don't want to repeat._

 _Camicazi. She and I became great friends after this. The last time I saw her was two years ago. I miss her. She never cared that I was a hiccup. She might be the only person that ever truly liked me the way I am. I think, I should be thankful that I had at least one friend like her, a real friend, even if it was only for a limited time._

 _After all I was useful for saving her and maybe that is enough for my life to not be completely meaningless._

Can one be ashamed for not liking someone? Astrid certainly was. Even at that time Hiccup had had all those qualities she admired about him now, but she just hadn't seen it. A real friend, she could've been one, if she had only given him a chance. It was what he had needed the most, but he had to wait for Toothless to actually get it. In some way his situation had been like that of this girl he had saved. Someone had tried to kill her and he had jumped in to help her, no matter what would happen with him. As Hiccup had written this journal, he had been in danger too, but Astrid hadn't realized it. If she had only known! Everything would've been different!

 _I will drown myself. I always liked the sea. There is something eternal about it. It was there before a single viking lived on Berk and it will still be there long after the waves washed this island away. The ocean is unchangeable. It is what it is and no matter how strong the wind blows and how many of his lightnings Thor throws at it the ocean will stay the same. Dangerous yet beautiful, persistent yet volatile, full of extremes and still simple. No wonder it has the same color as Astrid's eyes._

 _I know she will never be interested in me, but I can't help imagine what it would be like. She has everything one can possibly wish for: Beauty, strength, determination, intelligence – even her temper, which is feared by most, only shows how fierce her emotions can be. If she wouldn't keep them contained through her cold warrior facade she would live life with an intensity most people could only dream about. I wished I [The sentence ends abruptly]_

 _Why am I still doing this? Why do I keep insisting on going back to this? Am I not lonely enough without tormenting myself with stupid fantasies? These thoughts are useless, useless USELESS USE- [There is a big hole in the paper where the quill ripped through it]_

Shocked Astrid stared at his description of her and the violent end of the entry. Some of the things he had mentioned the others would probably say about her too but there were also parts which deeply surprised her. He compared her with the sea, called her intelligent and wrote even about her biggest flaw – her temper – like it was the most precious attribute of her. Furthermore it sounded so genuine. He hadn't been trying to impress her like Snotlout, when he spoke to her. This were Hiccups personal thoughts and everything he had written was his true opinion.

She probably should've felt rather uncomfortable from being analyzed like this by someone she almost never talked to – at least at that time – but instead it made warmth spread inside her that he paid such close attention to her. And from what she gathered it wasn't even the first time. Such a vehement reaction from a person as calm as Hiccup could only mean that she really had haunted his mind.

"Oh, Hiccup." She said quietly. "Those thoughts aren't useless and neither are you."


	4. Entry - Monsters

**_SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER_**

 _Hiccup gets the idea to kill Snotlout and the twins._

* * *

 **4\. Entry - Monsters**

 _Today I had to study. Chief training. I don't even know why dad still bothers. I can't imagine he really wants me to lead the village some day – not to mention there would be a riot as soon as I would try. Nevertheless he still forces me to do all kind of stuff to prepare for my 'duty'. Well, hope apparently dies last. Maybe some part of him still thinks I would suddenly stop with being all 'that', which actually means stopping everything I am. Believe me, dad, I wish I could._

 _However today's lesson included history and was actually very enlightening. Apparently there is an interesting pattern concerning the chiefs of Berk, even though my father seemed to not notice it. Every dynasty in the last 300 years didn't persist more than three generations. Why? Easy, the chief or his heir was killed and someone from a related family took his place - usually that meant the person, who murdered the original ruler. And guess what? Da dada I'm the third generation of the Haddock line since we came to power._

 _That resulted in an intriguing question: Will Snotlout try to kill me in the future?_

 _I'm sure Spitelout isn't a danger. He's a rough and sometimes pretty cold person, but he was always very loyal to my father. He might expect that dad will hand over the chiefdom to Snotlout rather than me, but even then I can't imagine that my uncle would try to kill me, if my father would try to make me chief. Snotlout however is something else. He surely doesn't think about ruling Berk now, but he's a cruel person and I wouldn't be surprised, if there would be a time when he comes up with a plan to get rid of me._

Astrid was taken aback when she read this. She knew Snotlout almost her whole life, and even though he was a thick-headed, disgusting macho she would've never depicted him as a murderer. Did Hiccup really hate him this much that he could believe something ridiculous like this? On the other hand Hiccup had seen sides of Snotlout Astrid never had. The bulky teen always tried to impress her, which maybe included to hide the most ugliest part of himself. Who can better estimate the extent of your flaws than those, who despise you?

 _In some way Snotlout is already after my life, isn't he? I think about suicide, because of him. Maybe I underestimated him and this is all part of his super sinister master plan._

 _Gods, when did I start to make jokes like that?_

 _After the history lesson followed the next topic: The law of Berk. Dad gave me three incredible huge books, which included every enactment and important precedent of the last 300 years, and told me to read them all. Then he left. I don't have to say I didn't do anything else today, do I?_

 _Most of the stuff wasn't really new. I mean I lived my whole life under the law of Berk. I already know things like don't steal the sheep of silent Sven or don't burn Gobber's panties. However there were also things in these books I didn't know. Especially one certain precedent caught my eye._

 _Eric the II, firstborn of the chief at that time, killed his younger brother Gunnar, because he feared that his relative would try to kill him to be the first in line for rule over Berk. When I read this I expected that the chief would punish his firstborn, but no: The father of the murdered boy called the actions of Eric self-defense, because Gunnar was 'eroded by his greed for power and it was very likely for him to try to murder every rival on his way to rulership'. That got me thinking._

 _I never met someone, who doubted that a person has the right to defend themselves. There is a reason why no one cared that Snotlout ended up with a broken wrist after he tried to put his hand under Astrid's skirt. We are vikings. We stand our ground and fight against everyone, who tries to hurt us or take something from us, that isn't theirs. After all this is the reason why we fight dragons. A true viking doesn't give up. A true viking fights and if he can't fight anymore he still does everything to avoid defeat. A true viking never submits._

 _If I have one attribute that I have in common with a true viking then it is my endurance – or my stubbornness, if you would like to call it like that. Even after all those failures I still haven't stopped to try to kill a dragon. Yes, I'm to weak to fight with my body, but I use the means that I have as best as I can. But there are things in this world that are more cruel than a dragon and hurt me much worse._

 _Snotlout and the twins made my life a living nightmare. They try to kill me. They try to kill me! There is no difference between me jumping of a cliff, because of what they did to me, or them throwing me of said cliff!_

 _They try to kill me._

 _I dedicated all my free time to slay a dragon, but they aren't the real monsters in my life. I was blind and weak not to see this sooner, but now that I do it is clear, what I have to do. Now I see the solution for my situation and I won't stop before I've put an end to this for once and for all._

 _I will slay Snotlout, Ruffnut and Tuffnut like the murderous beasts they are._

 _Not in a fight, not with my body, but with the means I have and I will do it in a way nobody will be able to trace back to me._

 _There are enough possibilities. For example no one would be surprised, if Ruffnut and Tuffnut died in an explosion of the mill of their family. Their parents told them that fire and flour are dangerous together, but they managed nevertheless to burn their eyebrows three times while working in the mill. Snotlout isn't hard either. He trains with pretty heavy weights in his basement room, which has a rotten window. If one would enter through this and manipulate the weight holder over the bench, where he lies down while heaving, he would be crushed by the barbell as soon as he puts it down._

 _However I don't want to make anyone suspicious. If I make their deaths look like an accident, it would be the best they would die all three in the_ _same_ _one. I have to think about this for a while._

 _It's odd. I'm feeling really good right now. I feel as happy as I wasn't in months. For once in a long time I know what to do. For once I can hope for something else than misery or ending my own life._

 _Like dragons those three are monsters. Dragons always go for the kill and I won't give Snotlout and the twins the opportunity to do the same. I won't stop and I won't show mercy. A true viking never gives up and never submits._

Astrid read the second half of the page several times. It all seemed so wrong. This wasn't like Hiccup. He was a gentle, loving soul, the voice of reason, the person who always searched for non-violent solutions. For crying out loud, with ending the war he was probably the greatest peacekeeper in viking history! How could someone like him think of murder? "It's just anger speaking out of him." Astrid tried to reassure herself, but was it really? He didn't seem rushed or thoughtless. His ideas with the mill and Snotlout's training gear didn't look poorly conceived. They were cold and calculated.

Astrid didn't know what shocked her more: The notion of murder or the fact that it came from Hiccup. On the other hand she could understand it... somehow. He had called it self-defense and in a way he was right. After what those three did to him Astrid wanted to hurt them herself, but to kill them? Snotlout was a disgusting pig and the twins were stupid as bread, but they were part of her group, which was now also Hiccup's group. Those three and Fishlegs were the people she spend most of her free time with, those she talked and laughed with. She never was nearly as close to one of them as she was to Hiccup now, however she always liked them. To think there was a point in his life where Hiccup seriously wanted to burn the twins inside their family's mill or crush Snotlout's skull with a barbell was utterly terrifying.

'What would you have done, if they treated you like that?' A voice in her head asked and suddenly Astrid was at a loss of words. She had always been much more aggressive and violent than Hiccup and even though she was a far better fighter than him, she couldn't take three people at once too. If Snotlout and the twins would decide to beat her up day after day, what would she do? With nobody to help, nobody to care, everyone around despising her?

Astrid shook her head. It didn't matter. Hiccup wasn't in this situation anymore and he had never killed anyone. All the thoughts in this entry were long gone and belonged in the past. The only question now was, why did he bring it back up? "Only one way to find out." She mumbled and continued reading.


	5. Entry - Stars and Spiders

**Warning : This chapter contains violence and swearing.**

 _ **SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER**_

 _Hiccup gets attacked from Snotlout and the twins, while Astrid is watching. To impress Astrid Snotlout breaks Hiccup's rib. After reading this Astrid breaks down and Hiccup walks into the room and tries to comfort her._

* * *

 **5\. Entry - Stars and Spiders**

The moment Astrid's gaze landed on the next page, she instantly realized that something was very wrong with it. All over the entry were small dots, where the ink had dissolved. She knew what that meant: Hiccup had cried on the paper. With worry and apprehension settling in her gut she started reading.

 _Snotlout and the twins beat me up again, but this time it was different. Astrid was there. We were in the forest and suddenly she stood there. She was probably on her way back from training with her axe. Gods, was I happy to see her. We were never friends, but I knew she wouldn't just stand there and let them hurt me and I could see it in Snotlout's face that he thought the same. After all there was a reason why Snotlout and the twins never were with Fishlegs or Astrid while they tormented me._

 _But Astrid didn't help me. She looked at us and turned away. Snotlout started to grin and yelled:_

" _Hey, babe, watch this." And when she turned around he hit me as hard as he could. He broke my rib. HE BROKE MY RIB! And everybody heard how it cracked! And what did Astrid do?! WHAT DID THIS STUPID BITCH DO?!_

 _She just said: "Don't call me babe, Snotface." Then she walked away as if nothing happened. She didn't even flinch when she heard how my bones broke._

 _After Gobber found out what happened to me, he threw a fit. He brought me to Gothi and afterwards back home, where he yelled for half an hour at my father to finally do something about the others beating me always up. Stoick only said I should learn how to defend myself. He didn't care._

 _My chest hurts like hell, every breath is painful and Gothi said it will at least take three weeks before it stops, but this is nothing compared to how I feel. I always knew that it was nothing more than a fantasy, when I dreamed about Astrid and I. However it gave me strength, because it was a distraction from my sad life. Sometimes it was all I had._

 _At times I felt like a prisoner, who watched the stars through the bars of his window and imagined how it would be, to look at them as a free man. But what if you suddenly realize that there is no heaven outside of your window, only a black wall, and that the stars you watched for years are just a bunch of white spiders sitting there?_

 _I knew it was just a fantasy, but nothing could've prepared me for how ugly the reality really was. I had a dream, but today I woke up._

 _The truth is Astrid is just like Snotlout and the twins. She stood there, she saw everything, saw how bad it was and she still allowed them to continue. She's a monster too._

 _I'm tired now, but when I close my eyes there will only be nightmares waiting for me. Maybe dream and reality aren't that far apart in the end._

Astrid's arms fell limp and the page dropped from her hand to the ground. She couldn't remember the situation the entry described. She couldn't even remember it! This was how little she had cared! All the time she had told herself that she hadn't known what Hiccup had to go through, but she had known and she had ignored it. She remembered the disdain she had felt for Stoick after she had read the first entry, but she had been even worse. She had been there! She could've prevented it! It would have been easy! Snotlout always wanted to impress her and she was the best fighter of her generation. If she had told him to let Hiccup go, he would've complied at once. One simple set of words would had been enough to safe him, but she hadn't said it! She hadn't done anything to help – anything at all! What was she even for a person?!

Astrid felt like throwing up. Her whole body trembled and when her vision became blurry she couldn't stop herself. She buried her face in her hands and started crying. She couldn't take it anymore. A horrible guilt spread inside her and it was just to much. The cold pain in her chest returned much stronger than before and for a moment she couldn't breath anymore. She couldn't remember ever feeling this miserable. Hiccup hadn't done anything wrong! He hadn't deserved such a treatment! She did for all the things she did to him! She wished someone would just beat her up, so this horrible injustice wouldn't be so heavy on her shoulders anymore!

Her sobbing was so loud she didn't hear the door open behind her. Hiccup had planned to wait outside in the forge until Astrid came out and then talk with her about everything, but when he heard her crying – something he deemed not even possible – he had to get in. Cautiously he walked up to her and noticed the paper on the ground. He instantly understood why she was so upset.

Without thinking he kneed beside the chair Astrid was sitting on and gathered her in a hug. She startled, but as soon as she recognized him she hugged him back.

"I'm sorry." She sobbed. "It was so horrible, what I did to you. I'm so sorry." She buried her face in his neck and pressed her shaking form so hard against him it was almost painful.

"I know." He said while gently rubbing her back. "It's okay. I've forgiven you for this months ago." This made her cling even more.

"You should hate me." Came her muffled reply against his skin.

"For some time I did, but not anymore." He said and nuzzled her golden hair.

"Why?" She asked with cracking voice.

"Because you made it up to me with your help after you found out about Toothless, your support after I lost my leg and your wonderful friendship. That's worth a broken rib." He explained and her sobbing grew louder. In response Hiccup started rocking her slightly while whispering reassurances in her ear and for a long time this was all he did. He knew she just needed time to let it all out, so he didn't try to stop her and waited patiently for her to become calmer.

"Feeling better?" He eventually asked and she nodded in his chest. "Thank gods, I feared you would start to go soft on me, Hofferson."

A shaky laugh came from Astrid and she pulled away from him. Her eyes were red and puffy and even though she had rubbed her face against his vest there were still a few traces of water on her cheeks. Despite the mirth his little joke caused her, her voice was filled with desperation when she spoke. "Even when you forgive me, I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself."

"Don't do this to yourself. I never had such a good friend like you, who wasn't a dragon." There was a moment of silence as his gaze bored intently into her eyes almost like he wanted to make sure that she really understood what he was saying. "If you're torturing yourself over this, you will hurt me too. You hurt me once, Astrid, please, don't do it again."

The viking girl visibly flinched at this and even felt a jolt of anger, because he dared to make it sound like her guilt would be an equally terrible act like how she had treated him. However a part of her knew that he wasn't completely wrong. He honestly didn't want her to suffer and if she wouldn't let it go, she would put a strain on him too.

She gave a heavy sigh and nodded reluctantly. "If this is what you want me to do, then I'll do my best to let go what happened."

Hiccup smiled brightly at her as he heard that. "Thank you, milady."

She rubbed the tears from her face to have an excuse to avoid his eyes. Astrid was sure she would never fully understand him. Just now Hiccup had seen her the most vulnerable she had been in years and even though he had every reason to hate her, he didn't took advantage of her remorse to make her suffer. This had been his chance for revenge, but instead he had insisted on stopping her misery. Forgiveness wasn't a common attribute among vikings, because one could interpret it as weakness. However the last thing Astrid would associate with Hiccup was being weak.

"How can you forgive us that easily?" She finally asked.

"Us?" He asked back, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, me and the others."

Hiccup frowned. "I haven't forgiven the others."

"But..." Astrid looked at him surprised. "You never treat them different from Fishlegs and me."

"Why would I give them a reason to start beating me up again?"

Astrid was taken aback by that. "You are scared of them?"

"Of course I am." Hiccup said with dark eyes. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Hiccup!" Astrid said appalled. "No one would let something like this happen ever again, you know that!" As soon as she said this, his eyes became sad and dull and his gaze fell to the ground. Whatever Astrid had hoped for as reaction, this wasn't it. "Hiccup, you know that... right?" She asked gentle, while putting a hand on his cheek and lifting his eyes back up to her.

"Astrid..." Hiccup sighed. "Nothing has really changed. The dragons? They are tolerated now, but what is in a month, in two or a year? You saw how easily Mildew was able to turn the people against them. My dad? Yes, he tries to be a better father, but I'm still a hiccup. Whenever other chiefs see me, they bursts out into laughing. I'm a disgrace to him, everybody knows. How sure can I be, that he still cares for me in a year from now on? And Snotlout? Snotlout still despises me for being weak and scrawny. There is no friendship between us, not even respect. The only new emotion he has for me is jealousy for the few things like dragon riding, in which I'm actually better than him."

Astrid stared at him like he had lost his mind. "You can't be serious! You ended a 300 year old war! You can't think the village will ever forget that!" She almost screamed. Had he really lived all those months since the battle at Helheims' Gate thinking that it could turn back to how it was before at any second?

"I've stopped a long time ago to think I could rely on this village." He answered quietly with a broken expression.

"But you have Toothless and you have me! We won't ever let you alone! We will stand by your side and protect you no matter what!" She said fiercely, trying to convince him with all she had that his fears weren't reasonable.

He shook his head. "Don't make promises you can't keep."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She said in a hurt and offended tone. Didn't he trust her? He had told her that he had forgiven her. Had that been a lie?

Hiccup grabbed the last of the pages out of his journal and gave it to her. "You haven't read it all." He said. "Do it and you might be the first one to turn your back on me."

"Hiccup, I would never..." She started, but he cut her off.

"Please, Astrid. Just read it." He told her. She paused and finally nodded, which made him give her a small smile, but it was tinted with sadness. "I will wait." Hiccup said, stood up and walked to the window. Astrid started reading while he watched the stars.


	6. Entry - An all too familiar end

**To prevent confusion : This time a part of Hiccup's journal is told in first person and present tense. At that you can also see how the description of his thoughts in the journal entries compare to the reality. There is also a semi-historical annotation.**

 _ **SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER**_

 _Hiccup sets his plan into motion to murder Snotlout, Ruffnut and Tuffnut and even Astrid. He almost succeeds, but changes his mind and saves an unconscious Astrid seconds before she would've drowned._

* * *

 **6\. Entry - An all too familiar end**

 _Yesterday Fishlegs left on a fishing trip with his father, which means today is the perfect day for my plan and I already set things into motion._

 _The street near Snotlout's house leads to the docks and sometimes traders lose parts of their wares, when they drive their cargo from the ships to the market place. This is the reason why Snotlout regularly searches the bushes near the street for something others have lost and today he found a whole barrel mead. For my idiotic cousin this must seem like he found the biggest treasure ever, because vikings at our age aren't allowed to drink. What he doesn't know is, that this cask isn't from some trader but out of my fathers personal storage. Dad never kept it a secret from me, where his mead is stored, because he knows I don't like it and therefore have no reason to go for it. Well, normally that is. However the barrel Snotlout currently has isn't a usual one – no, no, no – this one contains a special mixture of herbs, which puts even the strongest man for several hours to sleep._

 _Everyone knows Snotlout is an egoist and therefore one could expect that he will keep his newfound treasure for himself, but not in this case, because there is something even more important for Snotlout than to get his hands on everything that might be useful for him and that is to boast about said things. This is the reason why I watched him go to the others and tell them to meet him at the usual hour at Fondir's beach, the bonfire which is furthest away from the village. It was obvious that he would choose this place, because it is very unlikely someone will catch them there. One has to walk almost a whole hour to reach the place, which is the reason why practically no one goes there. The important thing is, that the place is basically foreign to Snotlout and the others and in the darkness none of them will notice that something is different with the bonfire._

 _Shortly after the last tide I relocated the fireplace much closer to the sea. The timing was very important, because if the wood would've got wet, everything would've been for naught. I'm currently sitting between some bushes at Fondir's beach and watching the sunset, while I'm waiting for the others to arrive here. When they do they'll think they're safe from the ocean, because the bonfire always was, but as soon as they start drinking they'll fall asleep and when tide comes they'll drown._

 _If the village actually finds their corpses before the water drags them away, it will look like they fell asleep over to much mead and since the sea always carries of parts of the beach after a while no one will wonder to much about why the bonfire was near the ocean. It will seem like Snotlout the egomaniac, Ruffnut and Tuffnut the troublemakers and Astrid the heartless will have died because of their own carelessness._

Astrid shocked eyes sprang from the paper to Hiccup, but his gaze was still directed to the stars. In the last entry he had written: _She's a monster too._ Only now she understood completely what he had meant by it. Like Snotlout and the twins he had planned to kill her, to slay her like the monster she had been in his mind. The knowledge that her best friend, the person who became more important to her than everyone else in her life, had feared her to the point that he had thought about murdering her to protect himself, crushed her in a way she hadn't deemed possible.

She forced herself to look away from him and not to say something, so her voice wouldn't break. She took a deep breath to calm herself and tried to remember the day the entry described. She recalled Snotlout's smug expression, when he had bragged with the discovery of the barrel, and how the four of them had walked to the beach and started drinking. After this everything became fuzzy, probably because of the herbs Hiccup had mixed into the mead.

It had been noon already when she had woken up the next morning. She couldn't remember many details, because as soon as she had opened her eyes a skullcrushing headache had overpowered all of her senses, but as far as she knew nothing had been out of the ordinary. She guessed that meant that Hiccup had discarded his plan and relocated the bonfire back to it's original position before she and the others had arrived that night.

Of course the whole experience still hadn't been nice. The day after their drinking Astrid hadn't been useful for anything and only the incredible loud scolding of her father for not coming home during the night had gotten her out of her stupor – well, at least for a few hours, because shortly after she had developed the first signs of a terrible cold that had lasted the whole week. However if this was all she was about to read then Hiccup had no reason to be scared. After all she understood why he had thought like this in the past and with nothing bad that had happened that night there was no reason not to forgive him.

 _Drowning. This way of dying alone is probably enough to freak everyone in the village out. For some maybe even more than the loss of four young teens itself. After all, if you drown, you die a dishonorable death, because you didn't die in battle, which means no Valhalla. However no one ever asks, if it's actually a good thing to go to Valhalla._

 _You die a probably very painful death – pierced by a spear, beheaded by an axe, impaled by a sword – to get to a place where you meet everybody, that ever died during a fight. No, this isn't synonymous to "the greatest warriors of all time", because even I could get there, if I charge with my dagger at a Nadder and get eaten. Of course most of the people there will be real warriors and some of them will be really famous too. After all most of the worst and cruelest men known to history died "heroically" during battle, while they tried to butcher some innocents. But hey, who cares? I mean, it's Valhalla, right?_

 _No, I definitely want to go to Hel. I mean it is literally just a place where everybody else goes, who doesn't get thrown into a pit with those maniacs from Valhalla! Yes, Hel's empress is the spawn of Loki, but at least there one doesn't get regularly chopped into pieces like in Valhalla, where people spend half of their day drinking and the other half fighting each other to death. And after everyone gets resurrected it's mead time again, because what is better after being gutted than a drink, while being surrounded by people, who killed you or were killed by you?**_

 _Honestly what kind of person is supposed to like that place? Kill and drink, kill and drink, kill and drink. Hurt others and then act like nothing happened. Nevertheless everyone on this island who is able to hold a weapon wishes to one day end up in Valhalla, to honor their family through getting there and to honor the gods through fighting for their amusement._

 _The will of your clan and the will of your gods, that is all that counts. Don't shame them with your weakness, but honor them with your strength. Everyone on Berk tries to live by that by filling the roles that they're supposed to fill as best as they can instead of complaining about their place in life – no matter how hard or unfair it is. That is what makes one a true viking._

 _Weakness is shameful. Weakness is dishonorable. Weakness isn't supposed to exist. From this point of view it isn't surprising no one cares how much Snotlout beats me up – not even my own father. Well, they want me to stop being weak? Fine, I will grant them their wish!_

Not often do you hear from your best friend that he despises your whole way of life. Astrid was a warrior, a master of the axe, ready to run bravely into battle to show everyone that the Hoffersons were truly fearless and even though she never really thought about life after death she knew her family thought of getting to Valhalla as a great honor. Astrid was raised and trained to never show weakness, to hide everything that could make others doubt her strength. Even in front of someone like Hiccup – a person she would trust with her life – she wasn't comfortable crying, like she did while reading the last entry. She almost felt ashamed, because she hadn't been able to keep her tears at bay. All in all she was everything that Hiccup had cursed on this page and it stung badly.

Reading this Astrid was terribly torn. On one side she was proud of the viking way that had made her the powerful fighter she was today, but on the other side it was also the way that had Hiccup almost made kill himself. She had promised him to let it go, but Astrid couldn't prevent herself from thinking about his broken rip. Since she was friends with Hiccup she had found comfort in the fact that she had never called him useless or picked on him like many others. However she had ignored him and his journal made it all to clear that this behaviour hadn't been any better. Why had she done this? Had she really seen him as a shame, someone without honor, who wasn't supposed to exist?

Astrid wanted to deny this, but she wasn't sure it would be the truth. She honestly didn't know the reason. It was just all so messed up. All she knew for certain was that even if Hiccup really would've been as weak and pathetic as she had thought him to be, he still would've deserved help. Hiding your weakness was a tactic used against an enemy and only an enemy would take advantage, if you couldn't do it. How can it be that members of the same tribe act to each others like that? She remembered her bewilderment when Hiccup didn't use her guilt and her sorrow against her, but maybe she should've been more surprised that she hadn't anticipated this from him. They had been friends for months, why would she expect him to kick her while she lay on the ground instead of helping her up again?

Maybe it was a good thing to be weak and vulnerable in front of people, who care about you, so that they can help you to get strong again... like the day on the cliff, when Stoick used Toothless to reach the dragon's nest. This had been the first time she had tried to cheer someone up in a very long time, which had resulted in her being pretty clumsy in the beginning, but luckily it all had worked out in the end. Astrid had never thought about this, but maybe her time with Hiccup had already made her a little less of a viking and a little more of a good person. She hoped this was true – not just for him, but for her sake too.

 _It's getting to dark to write. I will continue this entry later._

Hiccup's POV

I close the book and take a deep breath. Since at least half and hour I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. The writing helped to distract me, but my hands are still shaking. Never in my life I was this nervous before. "This is crazy." I mumble as I and put the book and the quill back in the bag I brought with me. 'Tomorrow everything will be over.' I try to reassure myself. 'No more pain. No more fear. It's the only way.'

At least I hope so. I won't be able to take back, what is going to happen tonight. My eyes wander to the cold bonfire, which is despite the darkness still somewhat visible because of the moonlight. I can't suppress a shiver as I see the place, where four people will die, because of me. 'No, because of themselves.' I think to myself.

A sudden sound breaks me out of my musings and I lay myself flat on the ground. Carefully I peer through the bushes before me and see a four figures walking out of the wood toward the fireplace. Two of them carry a barrel.

"...that will taste better than everything you will ever drink!" Says one one of the barrel carriers and as they draw closer I recognize him as Snotlout.

"Nothing will be better?" Tuffnut asks concerned as he helps Snotlout with the met.

"Then everything from this point on will only be a big disappointment!" Yells Ruffnut in panic beside her brother.

"Yep." Answers Snotlout proudly.

"Then we should make sure we get as much as possible." Tuffnut says to his sister, who nods vehemently.

"Don't you dare! This is my met! I get most of it!" Snotlout sneers.

"Pah, he will probably be drunk before he finishes his first mug!" Ruffnut says to Tuffnut and both start to snicker.

"I heard that!" Snotlout yells, but the twins ignore him.

"Will you finally stop bickering!" Astrid asks angrily. "Thank gods for the met, because after listening to you muttonheads for the last hour I actually need something to drink."

"They started it!" Snotlout says to her.

"Liar!" The twins scream at once.

"If you three don't shut up I..." Astrid begins, but they walk to far away from me to understand the rest of the sentence.

A short time later the bonfire is burning and they start to distribute the meadamong each other. All I can do is to wait and to watch, but nothing seems to happen. It shouldn't take so long for my special mix to take effect. However just as I start to feel panic risen in me Snotlout topples over backwards from his seat and starts snoring. The twins laugh loudly at this, but the second they stop they fall unconsciousness against each other. Even Astrid is already swaying, but she doesn't seem to think about laying down. She throws her mug away and wobbly starts walking away from the fire.

Immediately I panic again. 'Maybe she knows something is wrong with the mead? What if she walks back to the village to get-' A sudden realization cuts off my thoughts as I see that Astrid isn't able to walk towards the wood anymore. She sways to much and ends up going even closer to the water before she finally collapses.

For a long time I can only stare. It worked. It really worked. I did it. Slowly I stand up from my hiding place and walk over to the bonfire. The twins are sprawled above each other and Snotlout is still snoring with his mouth wide open.

"Snotlout." I say, but he doesn't react. Hesitantly I crouch down besides him. 'I can't believe I'm doing this. What if he wakes up?' I think to myself before I start to shake him by his shoulders and yell: "Snotlout! Wake up!" However his only response is a grunt.

"Well." I say while standing up again. "Looks like they will be out till morning." My gaze wanders over the ocean, which is already much closer than before, when my eyes land on Astrid's sleeping form. After a few seconds of watching her chest rising and falling from afar I walk toward her.

She lays on her back, her arms widely sprawled out and has a peaceful expression on her face. She's much closer to the water than the others and only now I understand that she will be the first one to drown. Instinctively my hand wanders to my healing rip, which responses with a painful jolt. "She's as much of a monster as the others. They all have to die." I try to reassure myself, but the words feel heavy on my tongue.

'Maybe it would be best to go for a walk and come back in a few hours.' I think, but my feet won't budge. Something holds me in place. 'It's my responsibility. My decision. I can't turn away now.' Therefore I wait. I wait and watch Astrid for one last time. The moonlight that shines on her flawless skin and her golden hair makes her seem otherworldly. Her beauty makes her even asleep intimidating, although her toned arms are already enough for doing so, because they remind everyone that here lies not just some teenage girl, but a warrior. Astrid is the embodiment of perfection. "At least on the outside." I mumble.

Suddenly I feel water washing over my feet. I inhale sharply as the cold ocean prickles on my skin like a thousand needles. As soon as the first small waves of flood surround her body Astrid curls up into herself and starts shivering. Pain becomes visible on her face and she starts moving, instinctively trying to wake up, but the grip of the herbs on her is to strong.

My teeth chatter and I have to force myself not to run out of the water because of my hurting legs. I didn't think about the temperature of the icy water, when I planned all this. The four of them might even freeze before they drown considering how cold it is. Because of her movements Astrid lays on her side, which allows the water to partly cover her mouth, but it's not high enough to reach her nose. No matter how strong and intimidating she might have looked before, now she only looks frail, miserable and weak. I feel my inside clench together at the sight as I try to avert my eyes, but the same emotions that made me stay, force me to watch her.

If I would've actually killed myself, would I've looked like this? Shivering, pale and with blue lips while my body tries everything to keep me alive, to fight a battle that is already lost. 'Maybe I should turn her on her stomach to make it go quicker.' I involuntarily think, but I can't bring myself to reach out for her. All I can do is continue to watch.

With every passing minute she grows weaker. It's like she's shattering before my eyes. Everything she is, everything she will ever be, all the love and hopes of those close to her, it's all going to dissolve here, now, because it's only a matter of seconds before the water will cover her nose and it will be over. Astrid will cough and convulse, but all to soon it will stop and nothing will be left except for a broken shell of failed dreams and a life barely lived.

An all too familiar end.

It all happens so fast that I feel like my body acts on its own accord. One second I look down at her and in the next I have my arms around her stomach and drag her out of the water. As soon as we are out of reach of the ocean I lay Astrid back on the ground and run toward the bonfire. I grab as much of the unused logs beside the burning fire as I can and go back to her, where I immediately start to build a new fireplace. After everything is prepared I run once again to the bonfire and shortly after return with a piece of burning wood, which I use to light my own fire, and a heavy blanket, that the four others had brought with them together with the mead. Instantly I start undressing Astrid. Somewhere in my mind I feel the incredibly nervousness of an old unfulfilled crush, but I can't think about this. Her clothes are soaked and she needs to get out of them as soon as possible. I don't even have a chance to admire her completely naked form before I envelope her in the blanket and begin to rub warmth back into her.

As soon as she stops shivering I stand up and start to drag Snotlout, Ruffnut and Tuffnut over to my newly made fire. When I finally return to Astrid's side I'm out of breath, but I can't make a pause, because she's still gravely pale. I pull her as close as possible to help her with my body heat while I continue rubbing the blanket against her as fast as I can. The years of work in the smithy help a lot, but soon my arms become tired. Nevertheless I still continue with my task as I see how the abandoned bonfire gets slowly swallowed by the sea.

While I work I try to occupy my mind with something else, but it gets harder and harder to ignore the sweet scent of Astrids hair or the feeling in my hands when they trail over her contours. A year ago holding her in my arms would've made me happy beyond belief, but now all I feel is disgust. The throbbing of my rib as her weight rests against my chest is a painful reminder of what she did to me, but here I am, trying everything to safe her life. Is there even a way for me to be more pathetic?

Angry tears run down my cheeks at the realization of what I've done. I saved them. All of them. When I pulled Astrid away from the coming flood I knew that I wouldn't be able to just sit here and watch how the same thing happens to the others. "Tomorrow everything will be over." I say in a mixture of sobbing and laughing. "What a joke. Everything will continue as always."

'It doesn't have to.' I abruptly stop crying. 'There is still time. I could throw them back into the water near the bonfire.' I look at Astrid, who has finally a healthy colour in her face. "I just need something to push me over the edge." I mumble and press her as hard as I can against my wounded rib. Barely holding back a scream I focus on the pain to fuel my anger and lay my hands around her neck. 'If I kill her, the others won't be a problem.' I think and try to gather all my courage for what I'm about to do.

A strand of golden hair gets lose and falls over my hands and at once I have to think of Camicazi and the day I saved her. I remember the thug that tried to squeeze every inch of life out of me, the feeling of choking, the burning in my lungs, the pain in my throat and the helplessness as I thrashed and tried to fight back, to do something, anything to defend myself. In my mind I see the sadistic grin the man had as my vision grew darker. Will I be like him? Instantly my hands flinch back from Astrid's neck.

I need to get out of here. I detach myself from her, stand up and walk along the beach as fast and far as I can without losing the fire out of sight. With every step I take I get crushed under a new wave of shame, because of what happened. Why did I do this? Why did I almost kill them? Because I thought I had the right to do so? Because I declared them to be worthless? Monsters... monsters they may be, but what am I?

Surrounded only from moonlight and the eternal sea I start crying again. I mourn. I mourn for today, because of what I did, what I almost became. I mourn for tomorrow, because of myself and what I will have to do. I cry and cry, but no matter how many tears fall from my face, the ocean swallows them all. With every drop the remains of my pain, my plans and my crushed hopes vanish into the sea, like it will soon happen with my life. Calmness overcomes me at that thought. Acceptance. It is what it is. The end is near and soon all suffering will be over. Finally I'm able to compose myself.

After a while I walk back to the others. They're still sleeping and probably will till the next day, which is good, because it takes me hours to dry Astrid's clothing. When her stuff is eventually ready the sun is already rising. I dress Astrid as fast as possible and even though I see much of her naked body I don't really register it. It just doesn't matter anymore. After the deed is done I throw the rest of the mead into the ocean, grab my bag and start my long walk back to Berk.

 _Dad was incredible angry when I came home. Well, it's not like I planned to stay away for the night, but things didn't go my way, didn't they?_

 _I'm really tired. I should probably sleep a few hours before sunset, because dad and the elders expect a dragon raid tonight and I want to try my new invention. Actually it's not really new. I built it weeks ago, but hadn't had the time to use it. Something else occupied my mind. Well, now or never. Tomorrow I will get back to my original plan: Drowning. After all, I now know what to expect._

 _Should I write a suicide note? Should tell them that everything is forgiven to make them feel better or should I say how much I hate them and that what happened is their fault? In the end I don't care for both options anymore. This book is enough for them to find out the truth, if they really want to._

 _Goodbye._

 _Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the third._

* * *

**The information about fighting to death in Valhalla and getting resurrected are from the german wikipedia page about "einherjar" (= name for those who get to Valhalla). I didn't find this information on the english page and the german one doesn't have a source for the information, therefore it's probably wrong, but for the sake of my story I will pretend that it is true.


	7. Reaction

**Warning : This chapter contains violence and swearing.**

 _ **SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER**_

 _Astrid knocks Hiccup out and avoids him afterwards. Hiccup tries to free his mind by using his flightsuit. However his attempt of jumping from a cliff brings him and Astrid in very dangerous situation._

* * *

 **Reaction**

It may be that Hiccup stood before a window full of stars, but his attention was solely focused on Astrid. Since she had started reading he had watched her from the corner of his eyes, only stopping for a while when she had looked back in his direction. However when he had resumed his observation, Astrid had turned in her seat so that only her back showed to him. Hiccup had then given up on the pretense and openly watched her.

This had been half a hour ago and she still hadn't turned around again. He was sure that she had finished the pages a while ago, but she gave no indication for it. That was until he saw a small quiver running down her body and at once he understood, why she had turned away from him.

He walked over to her, but hesitated. 'Please, Gods, let her forgive me.' He gave a silent prayer. "Astrid?" He finally asked softly and reached out for her.

Instantly her head turned back to him. Her eyes were red and lines of tears covered her cheeks. However her expression wasn't one of despair, but of incredible fury. She sprang out of the chair to face him. "Touch me and I will break your arm." She threatened in a dangerously calm tone.

Hiccups eyes widened in fear and he immediately took a step back from her.

"What? Didn't expect this reaction?" She snapped. "Well what did you think would happen?! Why did you even show me this?! Were you really stupid enough to think everything would be fine afterwards?!" She yelled.

"N-no, I..." Hiccup stuttered, but she cut him off.

"Glad we're on the same page with this, because nothing is fine!" She shouted and her fists clenched in anger. "You tried to kill me!"

At this point fully expected her to attack him and it took him all his willpower not to back further away from her. However after a moment her posture relaxed a little, only enough to show him that he was not in immediate danger, but he knew that could change at any second.

"You didn't answer my question." She said after a short silence.

"Wh-which question?" Hiccup asked uncertain.

"WHY – DID YOU – SHOW – ME – THIS?!" She screamed at the top of her lungs and grabbed the pages of his journal from the desk. "Do I fucking stutter?!" Her sudden outburst startled Hiccup so bad it made him jump.

"I-I w-wanted I.." He tried to explain himself, but in his panic he stumbled over his thoughts.

"You are aware that I could show this around and you would be imprisoned or banished before sunrise?!"

"Yes!" He finally yelled in an attempt to force the words out of his mouths. "But I needed you to know this! You're too important to me to hide this any longer and keep lying to you!" Hiccup swallowed heavily. "And if... and if you want to show this journal to someone... then I won't try to stop you."

"What?" Her tone was laced with confusion, but most of it was still anger.

"I said, I won't stop you... The pages are yours." He repeated a little less nervous since Astrid didn't scream at him anymore.

"You might regret this." She said coldly. The threat was evidently.

Hiccup looked at her intently. He had pushed her this far and it was clear to him, that she might very well use the journal to hurt him as much as possible for what he did to her. He straightened his posture and solemnly answered: "I know."

Astrid narrowed her eyes. Before he could even react she rushed to him and knocked him out cold with a punch to the jaw.

Pain. That was the first thing Hiccup felt. It was like his whole face was on fire. However as soon as he became aware of this another sensation invaded his mind. Someone held him by his shoulders.

"Hiccup! Hiccup, wake up!" A familiar sounding voice demanded. Hearing its concerned tone Hiccup tried to sit up, but the sudden movement caused a pained groan to escape from his lips. With an unusual big amount of effort he opened his eyes only to instantly close them again. It was much to bright! That meant it had to be already morning. Hiccup tried again and the first thing he saw was the concerned face of his father.

"Thank Thor, you're awake! What happened? Are you alright? Don't worry Gobber currently gets the healer! Did someone tried to rob the forge?" He asked while helping Hiccup up, who was swaying slightly.

"R-rob...rob the forge?" Hiccup repeated confused. He remembered what had happened between him and Astrid and judging from her mood last night the first thing he had expected her to do was to run to the chief. "Don't you already know, what happened?" Hiccup wondered as he sat himself into a chair.

"What? Why would I know?" His father asked bewildered.

Obviously Astrid hadn't told him. At least not yet. Hiccup let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "I had a fight with Astrid last night."

The chief frowned. "So she did this to you?"

Hiccup raised his eyebrows questioning, which caused his father to grab a near plate of metal and hold it in front of him so he could see his reflection. Hiccup gasped when he saw how badly bruised he looked. The complete lower half of his face was blue and swollen and there even was dried blood on his chin. With how hard Astrid punched him he probably should've been happy that nothing seemed broken.

"Well, to be honest, I deserved it." Hiccup said and his father gave a sympathetic smile.

"Viking woman." He chuckled and gave Hiccup a clasp on the shoulder, which sent him almost flying out of the chair. "She will calm down again."

"I really hope so." Hiccup mumbled.

However in the following days Hiccup's hope didn't became true. He wanted nothing more than to speak with Astrid, but whenever he entered the great hall or the dragon academy or saw her in the village Astrid turned away from him and walked in the opposite direction. It was obvious she didn't want anything to do with him and he couldn't really blame her. At least she didn't seem to plan to make his journal public, but somehow that was only a small consolation for Hiccup.

While Astrid shunned him, he tried everything to avoid the others. The healer had given Hiccup an ointment for the bruise and herbs for the pain, but his face still looked like someone had used him as a punching bag and he really didn't want to answer any questions about it. He wasn't in the mood for talking anyway. His best human friend, the girl he cared about in a way he had never felt for anyone else, apparently hated his guts and there was nothing he could do. Therefore he tried to come to terms with it.

Easier said than done, because it was his fault things ended like this. He knew it had been his idea to tell her everything and he still thought it had been the right thing to do, but with it he destroyed one of the most important things in his life. No, that wasn't true. He had destroyed it with what he had done during that night at Fondir's beach. Since that day his guilt had been a constant reminder of what had happened and maybe this even had been one of the reasons for him to tell Astrid the truth, because of the vain chance of absolution. But in the end it was something that would stay with him for the rest of his life: The knowledge that he had almost murdered someone.

Whenever it became to much for him, flying helped him to clear his mind and therefore he had spend most of the past few days in the sky. Today he wanted to take things even further. Some time ago he had found a cliff where a nearby rock formations created a perfect upwind to use the flightsuit Hiccup had developed. For this however the weather had to be appropriate, which was only two time the case since he had found the place. Therefore Hiccup was almost ecstatic, when he realized that today he could use the suit again.

Toothless knew about Hiccup's invention and never really liked it. Why did his human try to fly on his own, when he had him? There was no better way to fly than with a night fury anyway, but when his human wanted to play a little with his new gadget, he wouldn't stop him. However Toothless really wasn't interested in watching it, which was why he left Hiccup alone to go squirrel-hunting in the forest. Hiccup was fine with that. He knew his dragon would come back in an hour or so to see, if he was ready to go home. Until then he could do whatever he wanted without the judgmental look of his scaled buddy.

The cliff itself was almost perfectly perpendicularly, but there was no easy way to the edge because of a slope, which was to wide to ignore it, but too steep to stand on it. The only solution was to jump over it directly into the upwind. After preparing the suit and with Toothless out of sight, Hiccup walked back from the cliff to take a run-up. He took a few deep breath and then ran as fast as he could toward the abyss, when he was suddenly tackled to the ground. In the same moment he realized that it was Astrid, who had crashed into him, he also noted that his momentum was to great for her to stop him. In terror he watched how she slithered with him over the edge.

As soon as they were on the slope they were basically free falling. They got faster and faster with no possibility to slow down, while the abyss came nearer. Hiccup frantically searched for anything he could use to stop their descent. He knew his flightsuit wouldn't be strong enough for them both, which meant if he didn't come up with something, and fast, Astrid was as good as dead. Suddenly his eyes landed on a crevice between two rocks.

"Hold onto!" Hiccup shouted and reached out for her. Astrid reacted immediately and tried to grab him, but only managed to get a hold on his right hand with both of hers. At the same time the crevice came into Hiccup's range and he slammed his prosthesis into the hole as hard as he could. The artificial appendage vanished partly between the stones, resulting in a sudden stop. Hiccup's upper body was thrown forward and a feeling as if his arm was ripped off made him cry out in pain as Astrid's weight pulled at him. Even after the jolt the pain didn't subside and it was clear that something had snapped. With a new scream Hiccup grabbed his right arm with his left one and tried to pull it back, while Astrid attempted to push herself up with her legs.

After a few more moments of blinding agony for Hiccup Astrid reached him and placed her foot on one of the small rocks that created the crevice. However from her position she wasn't able to place her weight on it, because for that she would need to be in Hiccup's spot or at least much closer. Therefore, as soon as Astrid was near enough, she let go of his arm and instead hugged him tightly, which finally allowed her to support herself with her own leg.

Hiccup gritted his teeth together, while he waited for his arm to calm down after being used as rope. The pain radiating from his broken limp filled all his senses. He wasn't aware that both, him and Astrid, were drenched in sweat or that he could feel not only his own heartbeat hammering against his chest, but hers too. Unable to stop his tears he instinctively buried his face into Astrid's shoulder, hoping she would at least wait a few moments before yelling at him. Surprisingly she laid her hand on the back of his head and softly started to stroke his hair in silent support. After a couple agonizing minutes the pain eventually began to subside and with it his sobbing. Taking a calming breath he finally lifted his head and met her eyes.

"Better?" She asked in a caring tone, but with and unreadable expression.

"Yes... thank you."

"Are you hurt somewhere else?" She inquired further, ignoring his thank.

"My stump feels badly bruised, but aside from that, I'm okay." He said before adding: "And I think my prosthesis is stuck."

"At least that will keep you from trying to jump again." Astrid said and bitterness became visible in her features.

At once Hiccup realized why she had tried to stop him. "Astrid, it's not what you think." He tried to explain, but was cut off.

"Oh, will you please just stop lying! You tried threw yourself of a cliff!" She snapped at him.

"I've built a flightsuit and wanted to use the upwind here to use it! I already did this a few times before!" He defended himself.

"You- you mean..." She began weakly. "Thank gods." She slumped against him in relief.

"Astrid?" Hiccup couldn't help his bewilderment at her strong reaction after everything that had happened between them.

"I thought that you- that you wanted to kill yourself. That I had once again... pushed you over the edge." She admitted with misery in her tone.

"Even if I had wanted to end my life, it wouldn't have been your fault. You have every right to hate me." Hiccup tried not to grimace at the last part, but failed.

"I don't hate you, Hiccup." She said sincerely, however as soon as the words had left her mouth, she looked like she hadn't meant to say them. "How do we get out of here? You need to get to the healer." She tried to change the topic.

"From our position we don't have many options, but Toothless will look for me in about a hour. When he doesn't find me, he will call out and then we can yell to catch his attention." Hiccup explained and Astrid nodded. "Until then we have more than enough time to speak with no way of avoiding each other." He continued, which made her glare at him.

"Can you blame me for not wanting to talk?" She asked accusingly.

"No, but I wasn't the one, who told me that they don't hate me." He answered in a calming manner. "So what is it then?"

"You want the truth? Fine!" She snapped. "The truth is that I have nightmares of laying paralyzed on the ground with you watching me die or of your hands around my neck while I can't breath. I feel disgusted, humiliated, weak and – yes – even scared, because of what you've done to me!" She yelled with cracking voice, tears glistening in her eyes. "You're supposed to be my best friend and yet you hurt me worse than anybody else in my whole life."

As soon as she finished, she started to cry and despite him being the reason for her sorrow he couldn't help pulling her head gently down towards his shoulder and holding her, like she had done for him only moments ago. Astrid didn't fight it and instead tightened her hug, while gently sobbing onto him. "I'm sorry." He whispered into her ear, himself close to tears too. "I would do everything to take it back."

"The worst part is, I know I'm not even better than you." Hiccup was unable to see her face, because of their closeness, however he could feel her tremble against him. "I might not have been as bad as Snotlout, but I watched them do all these horrible thing to do and ignored it. They basically tortured you for months before my eyes and I didn't care." Even through the leather of his armor he could feel her nails digging into him. "You almost died and I just watched."

"That doesn't make right, what I did." Even though he wanted her to forgive him, he didn't want it to happen just because of her blaming herself.

"No, but it makes it understandable. You were desperate and suffered from panic attacks and sleep deprivation, because of the pain and the night terrors." She gave a bitter chuckle. "It is a wonder you endured it all for so long."

"I forgave you, didn't I?" He asked her hoping it would soothe her.

She pulled far enough away from him to see his face. "Yes, you did. _You_ were able to forgive something that almost killed you." Astrid swallowed. "And yet, despite that and me understanding why you tried to get rid of us, I'm still unable to forget what you did at that beach. My mind screams at me to let it go, but I just can't stop the way I feel."

Hiccup nodded sadly. "That means the end, doesn't it?" At that the tears, which had gathered in his eyes since her breakdown started, spilled over. "I will miss you terrible." He mumbled.

Astrid shook frantically her head and wiped the lines of water from his face away with her hand. "No, I won't let it end. I don't want to lose you." She stated, her voice taking a determined edge. "I might not be able to forgive you now, but if I can live with what I did to you, I can live with that as well, and maybe – with enough time – we will both be able to let go of that night." She gave him an encouraging smile and he answered with one that was equally wet to her own

"Do you think you can stop hugging me for a second?" She suddenly asked him.

"Why?" He frowned in confusion.

"Because..." She began while searching with one of her hands in her pocket, before pulling out a small stack of pages. "...I need to hold onto you and I cant tear them apart with only one arm free."

Hiccup's face broke into a wide grin and he gladly grabbed on of the sides of the stack. Together they ripped it apart and watched how the wind carried the snippets towards the ocean, where they eventually landed and got swallowed by the water.

Hiccup sighed in relief. "Better?" Astrid asked with slightly raised brows.

"Yes." He answered truthfully.

"Me too." She confessed smiling, before her face turned deadly serious. "If you ever again unclothe me without my permission, I will make sure you'll never have children, understood?"

"Yes, yes, absolutely." He affirmed hastily while he visibly paled.

Astrid grinned at that and was about to say something when the sudden cry of a night fury startled them and instantly both called out for him. A second later the head of a concerned looking black dragon poked over the edge.

Without saying a word both of them realized that they were saved and maybe not only from the abyss and the water, but also from the past.

* * *

 **That's it. I hope you liked it. If you're interested then check out the making of in chapter eight. Otherwise see you next time.**

 **TheWatchingEye**

 **Btw: Still searching for an editor.**


	8. Making of

**Making of**

I wrote this making of, because I was strongly criticized for the way Hiccup and Astrid act in my story. Therefore I want to give you an insight to why I wrote things the way I did.

Many, many definitions of "personality" exist, but basically all of them see personality as something, which gives us a relative stable affinity to act and think in a certain kind of way, e.g. an earnest person tends to be more often serious. One of Hiccup's more prominent personality traits is his peaceful nature. How do you make someone like him act in an aggressive manner without creating a completely new character? This question is the challenge that this story had to solve.

First of all it is important that "having an earnest personality" doesn't mean "a person, who is earnest all the time". An earnest person doesn't have to be serious every minute of the day for the rest of their life. This would be impossible. That person has only an affinity to act serious, but there are other things that influence the way we act beside our personality. For example: Imagine a joyful person, which tends to be very happy. If this person gets cancer, it is possible that they act for a very long time everything but happy. That doesn't mean they act out of character, it only means that other circumstances override their usual behavior. If this person gets healed from cancer it is possible for them to get back to their usual happy self.

You can find countless examples for this. Even in HTTYD. For example when Hiccup screams at Toothless in HTTYD 2 after he was controlled by the bewilderbeast. Usually his deep friendship to the night fury would've prevented Hiccup from doing something like this, but because of the circumstances he acted vastly different (get it? Vastly? *snicker*). This different acting isn't acting out of character, because it is what Hiccup would do, if you put him under these specific circumstances.

The problem I had to solve for "Self-Defense" was the following question: Which circumstances are strong enough to make Hiccup act the way I wanted him to act, but without causing a complete change of character?

 **Point 1: Hiccup had to suffer. (1+5)**

For Hiccup to think of suicide or even murder he had to be in a situation, which on one hand made him almost unbearable suffer for a very long time and on the other hand had apparently no solution (at least from his point of view). For this I wrote the first and the fifth chapter, which describe the pain of his daily life and the indifference from those around him. I probably could've made this part much bigger and more detailed for better effects, but I like neither reading nor writing things like this and therefore made it as small as possible and as big as necessary.

 **Point 2: The thoughts of suicide (1-3) and murder (4-5) had to be developed in a believable way**

Suicide is something that is heavily frowned upon and not only because of the death itself. Many religions see it as a sin and many people consider it as cowardly or see it as a simple problem with ones attitude. This was the reason why I chose to write a story in a story for chapter two, because in the legend of the heroic viking chief Haggard Hiccup finds a cultural legitimization for his thoughts about committing suicide, which were already implied at the end of chapter one. Chapter three finally makes this lingering idea of suicide explicit by describing how it slowly changed in Hiccups mind from a stupid and crazy thought to his only solution.

The idea of committing a murder was a little harder. Firstly it is something that happens very rarely. I'm sure the number of people killing themselves because of heavy bullying is much higher than the number of people murdering their tormentors. However I don't think the reason for this is that people rarely think of it. It's probably more of a practical issue. If you gave every suicidal victim of bullying a button, which would kill their tormentor without getting themselves into trouble, many of them would probably push it (not all of them, but at least enough to be noteworthy). The difference between the button and reality is that the button is without effort and without risk. The point: Murdering someone isn't a far fetched idea, but needs in some way determination and bravery to actually be done (as stupid as it sounds). Hiccup has both of these things.

Secondly to commit a murder a person needs to be able to actually do it. However in my story nobody actually dies, which means Hiccup hasn't to be able to commit a murder, he only needs to _think_ he is. For me this was the most difficult point of the whole project. Are there convincing circumstances, which could make Hiccup believe he could do something like that? In the end I affirmed the question. I combined three factors:

1\. I changed Hiccup's view on the actions of Snotlout and the twins. He starts to see them as actual attempts on his life, because he blames the three teens for his thoughts about suicide (chapter 4, see also the next paragraph). In his eyes the teens turn into murderers and therefore resemble more the dragons, which are at this point in time still just murderous beasts for him. The comparison with dragons allows Hiccup to dehumanize the teens and to dull his conscience. Btw.: During the POV in chapter 6 Hiccup has pretty strong doubts, which shows that he isn't as cold toward the fate of the others as he makes it seem in his journals, where he tries to push all doubts out of his mind (similar to the scene in HTTYD 1 in which he yells: "I am a viking!").

2\. Hiccup doesn't get the idea to view Snotlout and the twins as murderers completely out of nowhere. He has this thought while studying viking history (chapter 4) and not only that, but he finds also a legitimization for actually committing a murder to protect oneself. Once again he gets indirectly supported from society.

3\. After chapter 4 Hiccup is _forced_ to react the way he does, because in his mind his situation is the same as if Snotlout and the twins would directly attack him with a knife to kill him. From Hiccup's point of view it is truly a case of self-defense. Btw: The question if this fits the reality isn't important in any way at this point, because his doing is only influenced from what he _believes_ to be true and not from what actually is true.

 **Point 3: Astrid had to become his target too. (5-6)**

The whole plot circuits around the big conflict between Hiccup and Astrid, but to create this conflict she had to do something bad enough to become a target for him (but not too bad, because I didn't want her to be a second Snotlout). This was a new difficulty, because at first it seems pretty out of character for her to just not care about Snotlout breaking Hiccup's rib. Once again the viking culture was the solution.

One of Astrid's most prominent personality traits is her internalization of the viking way of being a warrior. Most fanfictions describe her as someone, who tries to hide feelings like pain and sorrow, because she doesn't want to seem weak. In the movies and series we also see that honor is important for her, which results in things like glorifying battle scars or risking her life for her family name (e.g. the thing with her uncle Finn).

However honor itself is an empty word, which needs to be filled with social norms. More innocent people than anyone could count got murdered because of honor, which shows that different people or cultures have different definitions of the word. What is a plausible filling for the viking definition of honor? Starting from the "hide your weakness"-thing I concluded that weakness was a sign of dishonor (e.g. freezing in fear like uncle Finn). Acting dishonorable is morally wrong at least in most cultures. Therefore if Hiccup gets beaten up for being weak, he gets what he deserves for his wrongdoing.

From this point of view Astrid is doing the right thing in ignoring Hiccup's beating up and even Snotlout isn't doing anything wrong. Astrid and Snotlout both act according with society, which means they don't even need to have evil ulterior motives. They just do what is normal for them. This is why Astrid didn't even remember the situation, why Hiccup seems to despise the viking society during my story and why Astrid thinks about becoming less of a viking and more of a good person (chapter 6).

 **Point 4: Hiccup needed a plausible reason to spare Astrid and the teens.**

This was actually pretty easy. Remembering the part in point 2, where I spoke about Hiccup dehumanizing Snotlout and the twins (and later Astrid too)? Hiccup does basically the same thing with the teens that he did in HTTYD 1 with Toothless. He creates a situation in which they are at his mercy and thinks he will be able to actually kill them, because his victims are just murderous beasts. However as soon as he tries to murder them, he sees himself in them, which results in him saving them and feeling ashamed for what he did. Hiccup sees himself in Astrid while she's lying in the water, because he thought about killing himself that way, and while he his hands are around her neck, because someone tried once to strangle him too (chapter 3).

Btw: If one wants to argue that Hiccup's behavior in chapter 6 is out of character then this person should rather argue that Hiccup's dehumanization of Snotlout and the others is out of character, because the way Hiccup treats a murderous beast is 1:1 taken from the movie and therefore in no way out of character.

After Hiccup sees himself in Astrid and spares the teens they "turn back into humans" for him and he finally realizes what he tried to do. Facing his incredible guilt, he decides to rather die than becoming a murderer. He finds back to his usual peaceful behavior and in some way even puts the life of the others over his own. The whole journey of Hiccup is him trying to turn into something different: a cold hearted viking that crushes his enemies with everything he has – like society seems to expect him to be. In the end however he realizes that he would rather die than becoming like this. He holds his ground and keeps true to his nature. There is no change of personality.

 **Point 5: Hiccup and Astrid had to reconcile.**

Well, there isn't much to say to this point. The journal shows Astrid the circumstances that made Hiccup act the way he did and tells her that she did something to him (or at least let it happen) that almost killed him. Yet he forgave her for it (so why can't she?). Both things considered seem to be enough for me to make her forgive Hiccup. The only reason why I didn't let it happen to 100% is the feeling that it's a too short amount of time for Astrid to calm down all her raw emotions (hence the many crying at the end).

Personally I liked the ending. Astrid uses the same wording to ask for his state of health and for his feelings after the journal is gone, because both his arm and his past are wounds for him. Despite all that happened at the end the only thing the ocean swallows is the reminder of Astrids' and Hiccup's suffering and their guilt towards each other.

 **Epilogue**

Some of you might not understand this, but I'm very pleased with how this story worked out. It was really challenging to find convincing reasons for Hiccup and Astrid to act the way they do and personally I think I did a pretty good job at it.

 **Nevertheless the story could be much better with an editor. Therefore, dear future reader, as long as you can read this paragraph I'm still searching for someone to help me to correct this story. No matter how old this post already is when you read it, I still would gladly accept your help, if you're interested.**

To the reviewers: I know that some authors use the beginning or the end of each chapter to answer on reviews from the previous one, but I won't do something like this – not here and not in my other stories – because as you can see some things are just to complex for it. Therefore if you want me to actually answer on a comment from you for this story or any other one, you'll need a registered account, because I can't write a pm to guests.

However I don't care for your opinion, if you aren't able to write it without being rude. I doubt that anything smart can come from someone, who doesn't have the intelligence to understand why a basic level of politeness is necessary. Shortly after I posted chapter six I activated the option to moderate guest reviews and deleted several reviews after reading only the first few words, because they were plain impudent.

In the end I'm happy that I wrote this story and I'm glad for everyone, who like it.

Goodbye

TheWatchingEye


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